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Ask Aunt Steph is a bi-monthly advice column by Stephanie Baffone, LPCMH, NCC, a licensed, board-certified mental health therapist, freelance writer and beloved aunt to 41 nieces and nephews.
Dear Aunt Steph: My husband and I have a 6-year-old son, and my husband has a 22-year-old daughter. When our son was less than a year old, my husband got a vasectomy even though I told him I wanted more kids. This has caused a great strain on our marriage. Almost three years ago, I was admitted to a hospital for depression, and once we started going to counseling, he said he would get a reversal. He has since changed his mind, and we end up fighting over the same issues without any resolution. I still want more children, but with my husband. He has started talking about divorce, so I can find my happiness. I do not want to do the wrong thing. I want my son to be happy, and not to suffer because of this. I’m told I am being selfish. Am I? I cannot change the way I feel. I desperately want another child, and I do not want to hold resentment towards my husband if we do not. – Desperate Mommy
Dear Desperate: Yikes! What a terrible position for both of you. Sounds like a real pickle. My first thought is to ask if you ever discussed having children before you married? It sounds like you and your husband were not on the same page from the start. Your desire to have more children is not selfish, and— his desire not to—is also not selfish. My suspicion is the issue of having more children is a symptom of even bigger concerns in your relationship. Trust me, I understand the desire to have children. I’ve struggled with infertility for years. While you can’t change your desire to have more children, what you do have control over is how you look at your circumstances. If you want to stay in your marriage— absent of resentment— embrace the child you have, the husband you say you love, and relish his honesty about what he can realistically commit to in terms of parenting. I strongly encourage you to get back into counseling together if you aren’t still going. Resentment will become like a third wheel in your marriage if you don’t come to some resolution together on this. Your story is a cautionary tale for others. Have these kinds of discussions long before you say I do.
Ask Aunt Steph is a bi-monthly advice column by Stephanie Baffone, LPCMH, NCC, a licensed, board-certified mental health therapist, freelance writer and beloved aunt to 41 nieces and nephews.
Dear Aunt Steph: My husband and I have a 6-year-old son, and my husband has a 22-year-old daughter. When our son was less than a year old, my husband got a vasectomy even though I told him I wanted more kids. This has caused a great strain on our marriage. Almost three years ago, I was admitted to a hospital for depression, and once we started going to counseling, he said he would get a reversal. He has since changed his mind, and we end up fighting over the same issues without any resolution. I still want more children, but with my husband. He has started talking about divorce, so I can find my happiness. I do not want to do the wrong thing. I want my son to be happy, and not to suffer because of this. I’m told I am being selfish. Am I? I cannot change the way I feel. I desperately want another child, and I do not want to hold resentment towards my husband if we do not. – Desperate Mommy
Dear Desperate: Yikes! What a terrible position for both of you. Sounds like a real pickle. My first thought is to ask if you ever discussed having children before you married? It sounds like you and your husband were not on the same page from the start. Your desire to have more children is not selfish, and— his desire not to—is also not selfish. My suspicion is the issue of having more children is a symptom of even bigger concerns in your relationship. Trust me, I understand the desire to have children. I’ve struggled with infertility for years. While you can’t change your desire to have more children, what you do have control over is how you look at your circumstances. If you want to stay in your marriage— absent of resentment— embrace the child you have, the husband you say you love, and relish his honesty about what he can realistically commit to in terms of parenting. I strongly encourage you to get back into counseling together if you aren’t still going. Resentment will become like a third wheel in your marriage if you don’t come to some resolution together on this. Your story is a cautionary tale for others. Have these kinds of discussions long before you say I do.
Dear Aunt Steph: My goal this year is to make my marriage less stale. Do you have any suggestions? – Stale in Bear
Dear Stale: Good for you! Set yourself up for success by setting easy, attainable and specific goals. Turn off the television an hour each week, take a class together (cooking, tennis—anything) or walk in the park for an hour on Saturday mornings. Honor these commitments and let me know how it goes.
Got a question for Aunt Steph? Email her at Stephanie@StephanieBaffone.com or write to: Ask Aunt Steph, PO Box 9972, Newark, DE 19714 or join the conversations on Facebook, Twitterand StephanieBaffone.com
