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Ask Aunt Steph is a bi-monthly advice column by Stephanie Baffone, LPCMH, NCC, a licensed, board-certified mental health therapist, freelance writer and beloved aunt to 41 nieces and nephews.
Following in the footsteps of her paternal grandmother, the former neighborhood consigliera (advisor) she is often found holding court with family, friends and clients seeking advice on life, love and loss. “Aunt Steph” lends her talents to answer reader’s questions, too.
Q Dear Aunt Steph: I was married to a man for 25 years who battled alcohol and engaged in self-destructive behaviors. Because of these issues our marriage was always a challenge. One day an ex-girlfriend of my husband’s (who was twice divorced and aware we were married with kids) called my husband to say, “Hi.” His flattered ego and her selfish desire to recreate what I later discovered she called the “Notebook love story” resulted in an affair. It destroyed our marriage. We later divorced. This woman claims she has no culpability in the demise of my marriage and that my husband should have been able to resist temptation. I don’t let my husband off the hook but here’s my question: Is it ever appropriate for an ex-girlfriend to call up a married man just to say, “Hi?”
A No, it is not appropriate to call a married ex just to say, “Hi.” I might be going out on a limb but it sure sounds like your husband’s ex-girlfriend was shopping in a store she knew was out of business. She disrespected your family—period. However, yes—your husband fell asleep on the job as co-gatekeeper of the sanctity of your marriage. Under any circumstance that is painful. I hope your husband is getting the help he needs, you are on the road to healing and she learns to keep her hands to herself. I do want to offer this caveat: For many couples, counseling can hold the promise of tremendous healing and an even deeper intimate connection following an affair.
Q Dear Aunt Steph: My teenagers refuse to go to church. I want to lay the law down and tell them, “It’s my house and under my roof you’ll do as I say,” but my wife thinks that won’t work. Should we insist?
A This is a tough one! It’s tempting to lay down the law but that rarely works with teenagers. Your kids are probably starting to question their faith, which is very age appropriate. Rather than insist, open up a dialogue. Ask them in a non-judgmental and warm tone, what their objections are. While you’re at it, share your own spiritual struggles too. If they still refuse to go, continue to extend an invitation. You never know when they might take you up on it. For more information on how to “talk teenage,” check out, “Teenage as a Second Language: A Parent’s Guide to Becoming Bilingual.”
Got a question for Aunt Steph? Email her at Stephanie@StephanieBaffone.com, write to: Ask Aunt Steph, PO Box 9972, Newark, DE 19714 or join the conversations on Facebook, Twitteror StephanieBaffone.com
Ask Aunt Steph is a bi-monthly advice column by Stephanie Baffone, LPCMH, NCC, a licensed, board-certified mental health therapist, freelance writer and beloved aunt to 41 nieces and nephews.
Following in the footsteps of her paternal grandmother, the former neighborhood consigliera (advisor) she is often found holding court with family, friends and clients seeking advice on life, love and loss. “Aunt Steph” lends her talents to answer reader’s questions, too.
Q Dear Aunt Steph: I was married to a man for 25 years who battled alcohol and engaged in self-destructive behaviors. Because of these issues our marriage was always a challenge. One day an ex-girlfriend of my husband’s (who was twice divorced and aware we were married with kids) called my husband to say, “Hi.” His flattered ego and her selfish desire to recreate what I later discovered she called the “Notebook love story” resulted in an affair. It destroyed our marriage. We later divorced. This woman claims she has no culpability in the demise of my marriage and that my husband should have been able to resist temptation. I don’t let my husband off the hook but here’s my question: Is it ever appropriate for an ex-girlfriend to call up a married man just to say, “Hi?”
A No, it is not appropriate to call a married ex just to say, “Hi.” I might be going out on a limb but it sure sounds like your husband’s ex-girlfriend was shopping in a store she knew was out of business. She disrespected your family—period. However, yes—your husband fell asleep on the job as co-gatekeeper of the sanctity of your marriage. Under any circumstance that is painful. I hope your husband is getting the help he needs, you are on the road to healing and she learns to keep her hands to herself. I do want to offer this caveat: For many couples, counseling can hold the promise of tremendous healing and an even deeper intimate connection following an affair.
Q Dear Aunt Steph: My teenagers refuse to go to church. I want to lay the law down and tell them, “It’s my house and under my roof you’ll do as I say,” but my wife thinks that won’t work. Should we insist?
A This is a tough one! It’s tempting to lay down the law but that rarely works with teenagers. Your kids are probably starting to question their faith, which is very age appropriate. Rather than insist, open up a dialogue. Ask them in a non-judgmental and warm tone, what their objections are. While you’re at it, share your own spiritual struggles too. If they still refuse to go, continue to extend an invitation. You never know when they might take you up on it. For more information on how to “talk teenage,” check out, “Teenage as a Second Language: A Parent’s Guide to Becoming Bilingual.”
Got a question for Aunt Steph? Email her at Stephanie@StephanieBaffone.com, write to: Ask Aunt Steph, PO Box 9972, Newark, DE 19714 or join the conversations on Facebook, Twitteror StephanieBaffone.com
